Paxil- a review

Some of us truly need a medication like Paxil for anxiety, depression, as well as social anxiety, post traumatic stress, and other conditions affecting the brain. I started Paxil around November 2018, but after six days took a break because I felt more positive. It then dawned on me that I might have felt the effects of Paxil on the sixth day, instead of the two weeks I was told. A few nights ago, I decided to give it another try, well aware that Paxil increases the chances of developing dementia.

The review

A bit of history; my chemical imbalance started around the year of 2010 when I started to use birth control. At the time, I was unaware that birth control is associated with depression and suicide. Though I felt the symptoms, I assumed it was just a personality change and continued to take birth control pills as prescribed. Things got slightly worse on the Nuvaring, though it was supposed to be the solution. My gynecologist once tried in the past to prescribe Prozac instead of birth control, but she said she was prescribing it because she did not believe in birth control. Had she informed me of the risks of birth control and the reason why she would recommend Prozac, I would have accepted that proposition.

Fast forward in 2017, after going to a good amount of therapy sessions and being diagnosed with anxiety, I started on Zoloft, but did not see much of a difference besides feeling hungrier than usual, much much hungrier. Gladly, something clicked in my menstrual cycle, and I showed more signs of ovulation than before. This makes absolute sense, because stress is said to reduce fertility, hence a medication that calms the nerves would reduce the stress placed on ovaries thereby helping to normalize my menstrual cycle. However, as expected, the moment I tasted alcohol was the very moment my mood got worse. I went back to my primary care physician, and asked for him to prescribe something new. He prescribed Paxil, and I eventually took my prescription to the pharmacy.

When I finally started the Paxil, I felt great shortly, so naturally as expected, I stopped taking my meds. I was already doing some internal work, so for a moment I wondered if the medication had any effect at all and was not just a placebo. Without the Paxil, I noticed that I still worked hard to remain anxiety free, but still had my moments of anxiety and of feeling invaded energetically. I concluded that even though I was working to feel more social and less anxious, I would still need the help of medication.

I went back on Paxil full force, and admittedly took too much the first night. Right away, I developed a strong migraine, and felt sleepier than usual. I went to sleep, woke up, went back to sleep again, but I liked it because it felt like much needed brain rest. The most interesting aspect of this was that it was a restful sleep instead of feeling as though I had barely closed my eyes to then have to wake up for any reason.

On Paxil, I was not hungrier than usual.. probably less. I tried to avoid alcohol, but still had some kremas. I have skimmed through a post from years ago of a person complaining about the craving for alcohol on Paxil and it is so true, though I think this person was experiencing what I experienced on Zoloft. For me, Paxil made alcohol feel so good that it was not even funny. What others feel does not have enough liquor, for myself on Paxil was like heaven. I felt every drop of it, and it was so so good. But I do have to remind myself to stay away from the alcohol, because I do know that it can interact with the medication negatively by increasing the risk of drowsiness. In other words, I would spend even more time sleeping. Yet the sleep was also so beneficial that I could not see it as a bad thing. As research shows, extreme sleepiness on Paxil is a beneficial side effect.

Another side effect I have noticed is that instead of feeling annoyed by studies, I am now obsessed with doing research. The thing to remember is that I have recently graduated from an MBA, completely exhausted, devoid of brain juice, and during I was so mentally tired and wanted to see the end of it, not to “get” my diploma but because it felt as though I was running on empty. Now on Paxil, I don’t even care that it’s already ended, I am interested in learning more simply for the heck of it. The medication obviously does not change my personality, it only removes the battle I’d have to fight mentally before even getting to the tasks at hand. When on Paxil, I find myself being able to think a little faster, and to be interested in what I am thinking about. I am much more present in the moment, and my mind wanders much less than before.

And that’s only after about three days, today being the fourth or so on a dosing of 20mg. The first day, I took 60 mg because I felt like I needed it after my grandma worried us with her dialysis. I took 40 mg on the second day, then 20 mg yesterday. Today I might take an extra if I need it. Since starting Paxil, I have lost two of the pounds I had recently gained from a weight loss, partly because of my alertness, and also partly due to the time spent sleeping.

I will definitely update this blog after some more time on Paxil, especially about the sexual differences. I have not noticed a difference, because I’ve been enjoying my sleep that was much needed, and though I thought of my imaginary boyfriend, I took a nap that lasted all afternoon then again until this morning. So far, I am absolutely loving Paxil. This medication happened to be the perfect match for a normal girl with a normal life, and I am so happy that I started on this medication!

 

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Twin Flame.. What?!

Today marks the beginning of a new chapter: I have decided to listen to much of the “criticism” found online concerning the topic of twin flames, criticism mainly being that there are no such entities as twin flames, no such entities as soulmates, or twin rays, and so on, and so forth.. I am relatively new to these concepts of spirituality, hence I cannot pretend to know everything about them.

Before I decide whether or not the existence of a twin soul is a figment of the imagination of those chasing after a mere construct of their mind, I am deciding to side with camp “no such thing” for a bit. Besides, it is more important to know yourself, than it is to go after a belief that may never be true or materialize, right?

I have learned from a quote something quite important: “when you wish to help others, you tell them the truth, but when you wish to help yourself, you tell them what they want to hear”. By denying the existence of twin flames, I am slightly telling some others what they wish to hear, though I am also freeing my mind from the weight of it all.

Reminds me of the TV show Zoo. There is a scene in which Jackson Oz is asked by a boy about the seeming device in his hand that he holds up when he controls a pack of lions; a sort of small remote control. He responds to the boy that it is only a toothpick holder, as he uses his mind to control the lions. When the boy does not believe him, Jackson concedes that the device was made by a friend for him, that it is very high tech, and is what enables him to  control the lions. He promises the boy to let him use it in the future. The boy believes him, and looks forward to that day.

The truth of the matter is that Jackson has a special natural connection with the lions, who simply seem to respond to his emotional cues; expectedly, the boy could never have controlled them. We see this later, when the toothpick holder is destroyed in a fight. It would have been expected that his “friends” the lions would have turned on him and attacked him, since the remote was no longer usable, but the connection he had with them remained, regardless of the state of the toothpick holder. To the surprise of his girlfriend who believed in the remote control analogy, instead of attacking him, his group of lions still responded to his mind and defended him against all threats.

“Twin flame” has nothing to do with lions, but the point of this story is the fact that concepts are only just words, which help us to form beliefs that are felt in our minds. This goes back to why I decided to do away with the idea that I have a twin flame altogether: acknowledging that concept or other spiritual concepts does not make a difference as to the existence of them. They are but little toothpick holders, completely unrelated to the real connections we share with others.

Although I do have to say, the act of destroying these words is ever so freeing, because I no longer feel constrained by jargon. It is freeing to simply be, to listen to my body and mind, and to follow my whims. I recommend for all spiritualists out there to let go of words and concepts; you’ll only be more liberated for it!