Trusting Yourself

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Being clairsentient, being an empath, having a crystal aura… I am here to tell you to trust yourself. The world is so full of advice, so full of happenings, so full of people. But one thing I have learned through my short years on earth, being only 28 years old, is that I need to trust myself. If I can do it, so can you! In my world, sensing things about others can sometimes be a gift since it allows me to connect to persons around me on a perhaps deeper level. However, the danger with being a sensitive is that when you are so, your surroundings cease to see you as a person with your own thoughts and feelings and may turn you into the connection machine that you never asked to be… simply because of your nature.

The danger with this isn’t what others think of you, but what you start to believe about yourself. It is almost as though you relinquish your personality after noticing that you are so connected to who surrounds you. Because what is the point of taking any action, when every single time you say something, someone else takes ownership of it? But that was exactly what I needed, to teach me to trust exactly who I am, no matter what the world chooses to show me.

For example, I have always wanted children. Last year, I assisted my late aunt who had been suffering from cancer. Sadly, she passed away, but her story left an imprint in my mind. She had pursued her career, traveled, and retired as a nurse a millionaire, through I am sure a lot of hard work, investments, and savings. At first, the story sounds wonderful: She has so many pictures of visiting every single country in the world with the outfits that matched each and every culture, she was spiritual, sensible… yet she had never been married and never had any children.

As I took her to her cancer treatments, I couldn’t help but think that she would have made the perfect mother, and I regretted all the times beforehand that I had missed out on getting to know her. We had a lot in common on a mental and spiritual level, though I look up to her in the fact that she has built a successful career and traveled the world. But the more I learned about her and saw how alone she was at the end of her days, the more I started to re-prioritize my own life; especially when I do find myself at an important crossroad: I have graduated from a Bachelor’s degree, I am in school getting an MBA in Healthcare Management, I am divorced, I am getting a bit too happy being all by myself, just like my aunt (my friends joke that I am in a whole relationship with myself that I call “twin flame”)…

During my first marriage, I had wanted dearly to have children and would’ve even been happy being a stay at home mom, but my ex-husband did not want children. I should’ve listened to him the first time he said “I will never have children, but I may adopt”. I thought I could change his mind, but every single month and every year afterwards was a delay after a delay, and after another delay… until a divorce happened. During this period in time, I had many miscarriages and cried much. After my divorce, the same tune of “I am not ready yet” continued with men. Let’s not forget that “get your sperm in my belly” scare they all get when a woman is all too eager to start a family! So I had accepted that for me, having children would happen later or not at all, just because I thought I needed to wait for someone else’s approval of  “sure, let’s do it since now you have more money and look less desperate”.

I thought about this for a very long time. Sure. If I have a child now and choose to have him or her through a sperm bank, I reduce the number of men willing to date a single mom. I also reduce my chances of having a successful career, and of traveling or of being devoid of the responsibility of taking care of a crying baby. I change my life entirely. Or I may continue in the route of building my career, of risking getting too comfortable by myself, I would get the pictures of myself in the different places that I wished. But I would reduce my chances of still finding someone to love (let’s face it, I am divorced and I come with some baggage whereas a younger person with less experience may look more desirable)…  And finally, once I felt financially stable enough, my body may not comply so easily… then there is a fact: who wants to be running around after a child at forty years old? Not me!

After deliberating for a while, and delaying, and accepting others beliefs and ideas about what I should do through showing me how miserable they are having to work as single parents, or having to go to school with children, I decided to go within and ask myself what to do. The answer was clear: my baby registry has been completed since 2014. Unlike many people who find themselves devastated to see that positive pregnancy test, I want this badly. No matter how many people feel miserable of having a being to take care of, I value my mother and I value my grandmother, and even my great grandmother who I had the chance to know. I am thankful for their sacrifice. I am so grateful that my mom chose to have me, even if I didn’t have my father with me. I can breathe, I can say that I have a life, that I went to school… I can say that Kristeen was here, no matter how soon God calls me back home. And I know that I would never let any of my family grow old alone.

Even as a child, I called my own father “the sperm”, because I never got a chance to know him. Yet I grew up so incredibly comfortable: I had wonderful childhood friends whom I had a lot in common with, I got to have acting lessons, dance lessons, additional teachers after school… I was so lucky that my mom, in her late teens, got a job that allowed her to take care of both myself and my sister all by herself, and give us a life that many would envy. Today I find myself at 28, only half of the woman she was at 20. And this made me realize that life is not perfect. People will always say what they can to try to fix the little regrets they have through someone else’s life, without realizing just how much they have even with those little things they wish to fix. The I could’ve waited one more years’, the I could’ve focused more on schools’… at the end of the day, they do not compare to what a beautiful journey motherhood remains.

So I listened, I really did. But at the end of all this, I realized one thing: all I ever truly wanted was to be responsible for another life, and I do see that now. It’s in my nature, it is who I am. The moment I decided to choose to have a family in a nontraditional way was the moment I became so happy with joy. And if I stumble and fall along the way, then I know that I have the support of my family. But I am so happy beyond measure to close my eyes, to trust myself, and to start this journey. If love comes, then let it come my way, but my babies will be when I am ready.

If I can find myself coming to this conclusion, even with the being that I am and with everyone telling me it’s their fault I had this thought because they touched me, then so can you trust yourself and trust the life that you choose to live. Trusting yourself may just be the key that unlocks all the doors you had wished to open, but never dared to dream of walking into. 

 

 

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